I have begun making streams of lists on
almost every piece of paper i touch. I cant seem to leave
dates, times and spaces empty anymore. There is this
conscious urge to occupy myself with everything
so i can force myself to interact with parts of me I haven't
before.
this year the word is fearless. it has to be. I prepared a statement
to read during an artist talk that was postponed, I was all sorts
of excited for the opportunity. Holly a while aback would have
had a panic attack and tried multiple ways to avoid it.
I think i need more of these challenges in my life. There has been
large format printing, getting frustrated with video,
colors, thoughts, and myself. But mostly i think i am happy, in a sort
of weird moment that is prolonged now as I think back on the past weeks
since i have retuned to the big city.
I love my school, I was walking through the halls this morning
before anyone got here and looked at the lights that lined down the corridor
and mused to myself that in a couple weeks it would be a sight no more for me. It saddened me, it has come and gone to fast. It isn't over but i feel the end approaching fast. This thesis show ordeal is bugging me out and i am constantly shifting through ways to sort and manage the neuroses that come up. I think I am managing plus it helps that I think the work is in a state now where many things can happen.
I just don't want to stop doing. If i learned anything at procuring this degree
is that stopping isn't for someone like me. I need to be in constant motion,
I need to be bombarded and challenged. I want my mind to forever be a sponge. I want to feel out of sorts, not good enough and beat myself up. There is a strange element of joy I attain through it all.
love and light
H
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