In Transit

If  this is what it feels like then i don't know how i am going to deal with the numerous arrivals and departures that will forever be a part of my life. I used to consider myself a nomad even when I had a home, I guess my heart always felt as though it belonged more than one place, it has settled. Now it needs a dissection, come to think of it my spirit and soul also needs a partition or two. I was unaware of how conflicted and "under stress" I was but now that everything is sorted out (almost everything, odds and ends still to fall) I feel overwhelmed.

The state of my life is simply now going in a direction that i can not fully control, not that I have assumed that I had control in the past but  I had stability. The stability of love, work and monotony, now they have been wrenched from me and I feel abandoned. Change will fuck you up if nothing else will, it is strange how I live in a constant state of change but only feel the reality of it when the decisions I made start to shift everything. Even though I have been aware of these choices and I have been strong enough to delude and postpone to much thinking, now it is all setting in.

I said my goodbyes to the mainland people, Holly does not do goodbyes, I do the I'll see you soon again and if i didn't get around to do that then you have to forgive me because it is hard. It should get easier as i get older but it doesn't. How absurd to think that when you get older you would be able to deal with leaving love and home better! Of course it should rip your heart out. If nothing else does leaving the people you love behind should tear you apart.  I guess I am blessed because I am also going to those that I love as well, but the transition is hard. 

I don't know what i want to say completely but I know i want to express my fear, the fear of leaving and have everything change. I don't want disconnection. I fear it right now more so than anything else. To make sure that my fear is grounded I attempted a reconnection to kind friends from college who were so close with me not even two years ago, what I received was generic and lacking.  I guess they cant be blamed for much, I am the type of person to throw myself completely into what I am doing and those that I am around and shut out the excess. I have to recondition myself to remain open to, to keep compassion at the forefront of my emotional wall.

I guess I have a lot to look forward to. New challenges, ideas, hopes, devastations, goals and a new me. A new life approaches with haste and i am crawling slowly, when we collide it will be interesting to see what spills out. My one wish is that I remain faithful to who I am, I have been lucky so far to be surrounded by love that keeps me grounded and I know that now i am armed with so much more. More than one human being should have. I am beyond lucky, way beyond blessed.

To all the moon filled nights on cool sheets, in the arms of love. My spirit remains.